Pregnancy; The Happiness & Sadness It Can Bring

In a recent post, I gave a little background on my pregnancy struggles pertaining to the nonstop, intense morning sickness known as hyperemesis gravidarium, or HG as it is often referred to.  If you missed the post or wanted to check it out, click here to learn about my journey with HG.  I thought it was important to write that post so if you or anyone you know has or is going through a pregnancy with HG knows that sometimes things can just be shitty but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s not just HG pregnancies that need to be spoken about either.  I feel that it’s so important for us to share our stories. I wanted other women to know that they are not alone and it’s ok to be angry and feel sad and disappointment. While pregnancy is a beautiful thing, it is also one of the hardest times in our lives.  The idea of a baby and a family is one that so many dream of yet the challenges of getting to that point are often over looked or kept behind closed doors.

We all have our stories; stories of joy, stories of sorrow, stories of success, stories of struggles and other stories are almost too painful to revisit.  I’ve watched people close to me struggle to conceive. I’ve watched amazing, strong women full of pain both physical and mental as they lose the baby they thought they would watch grow up.  Pregnancy can bring the brightest moments of our lives but some of the darkest as well and I just want every woman out there to know that your story is important and I hope we can all share ours.

After having two pregnancies with HG and feeling as if I would barely take care of myself let alone my family, I knew in my heart another pregnancy would put me over the edge.  My husband and I felt so extremely lucky to have our two girls and though the normal complaints of life were nothing but first world problems I was thankful to have them.  I always felt guilty complaining when I was pregnant.  I knew other women would give anything to be pregnant and I felt selfish for feeling angry and disappointment for not being able to somewhat enjoy my pregnancies.

I also know there are many pregnancies that aren’t planned and there are so many amazing women out there that take on the role of mother in some hard circumstances.  There are also those strong women who carry their child and place them with a forever family in hopes of them getting a life they cannot give them themselves.

I was perfectly content in life after my girls and had mentally moved on from having anymore children but my body and lack of taking action to officially prevent another baby from happening, had other plans.  I found myself vomiting nonstop almost the entire month of May. I even took myself to the urgent care center one day where they agreed I had the flu and sent me home. I had told myself that pregnancy was not an option so denied any thought that I could be carrying another baby.

I had gotten a part time job and was finally able to do things I loved again but life had a different plan.  After confirming my pregnancy, because I finally gave in and acknowledged the flu doesn’t last for a month and that ten pregnancy tests couldn’t all be broken, I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried.  I felt guilt-guilt that I couldn’t be the wife or mother I wanted to be.  My children spent the summer taking care of themselves while I hugged the toilet and my husband worked.  I felt so much anger towards this baby inside of me.  I can even remember saying I didn’t want this.

As I write this, I’m flooded with the memories, the words of the first few months.  I felt anger I felt selfish and pure confusion.  I knew others struggled just to be where I was and there I was cursing that amazing life inside of me.  And then one day, I thought I had lost it.  I was standing in the kitchen trying to get the day started and the kids off to school when I felt a gush. I looked down to find my legs covered in blood.  Not wanting to alarm the kids, I made my way to the bathroom where the blood wouldn’t stop.

I drove myself to the hospital in disbelief and I had messaged my husband that I was so sorry.  All I kept saying was I am so sorry. I knew if I lost this baby, I would never be the same. The words flooded my mind. All the horrible thoughts and things I had said about this pregnancy and I began to blame myself. Why didn’t I appreciate this pregnancy? Why wasn’t I able to accept that everything would be short term and look for the positive in this miracle?

I found myself crying uncontrollably again but this time out of a different kind of sadness.  The first few months had been tears of anger and disappointment and these were tears of regret and sadness. After being examined and watched for hours, they told me the baby would be ok and basically there was no real answer for all of the blood.  They felt it was a cysts that was around the uterus that had ruptured. I felt relief. I felt like I was given a second chance.

I cried again.  Tears of hope and happiness.  It had taken me almost losing this baby to realize how lucky I was to be having him.  I learned that it’s ok to feel whatever you want through your pregnancy but whatever you are feeling, you need to share it.  We can’t bottle up our feelings or feel guilty for feeling the way we are feeling.  Every pregnancy is different and every woman is different.  I learned to embrace my story and accept every part of it.

Whatever stage you are in, know that your story is important and your feelings are valid.         Wherever your journey in motherhood has taken you know that your story is yours and whether your chose to share your story or hold it in, know that the good, the bad and the ugly is what makes it yours.  Life isn’t always perfect or fair or easy but know that when you feel alone or scared or angry, there is always someone to listen and support you and if you don’t think there is, you are wrong because I care and I will always listen!

What’s your story?!

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